Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Sad News....Again!

To say this past year has been "tough" would be an understatement! Last Thursday Ryan and I found out I was pregnant, again (this WAS number 4 pregnancy)! We were both excited but EXTREMELY scared for another miscarriage. Unfortunately I started to miscarry AGAIN on Monday for the third time in a row after two years of trying. It has been so incredibly frustrating but honestly, I feel kind of relieved. I feel like now the doctors will believe me when I tell them that something is WRONG. You have to have three miscarriages in a row before most doctors will test you for any abnormalities. I have known from the beginning that something is wrong but it is so hard when they keep telling you, "No, it is just bad luck." "You've had one LIVE birth, so just keep on trying." "Third time is a charm!"
I am very grateful for my doctor's office and their prices but it is just so darn frustrating! After I am done with the miscarriage I will get some blood work done and hopefully can figure out what is going on within the next few weeks. I know Heavenly Father is watching over us, and we could not have survived these past years without the Gospel and its many blessings. Knowing that I will get to see those little spirits that couldn't make it down here yet has kept me going. I (and the doctor's) have so many speculations as to what is going on with my body and the latest one is a blood clotting disorder that is sending blood clots to the baby, making it unable to survive, basically my body fights against the baby like it is a disease. (Interestingly enough, my mom has the same condition and it developed with her last pregnancy)
Emma is so wonderfully patient with me when I miscarry. In fact when I found out I was miscarrying again, Emma said, "Mommy crying again, go to the doctor again?" (Her new word is "again") She knows that when I cry like that it usually means I have to go to the doctor again, smart little girl. It made me realize that she is connecting things and that I have spent too much time feeling sorry for myself and not enough time enjoying her wonderful personality and loving my wonderful husband. Ryan is so good to me, and is so patient. His testimony is so strong and I know that whatever happens, we will get though it together.
As I was going through my head what the possible outcome of all of this could be, I decided right then and there that if it came down to not ever being able to carry a baby again, I would be fine. I wouldn't ever want to do in-vitro, not just because of the cost but for the amount of money we would have to pay, we could adopt 2 or 3 children that would be ours just the same. We have one beautiful daughter and someday we will have more. We (mainly me) need to rely on Heavenly Father and say "thy will be done." because HE really knows what is best for us and our family!


Cara said...

You are so strong!!! Keep up the positive attitude cause it just makes me cry and ache for you! It is nice to believe in the gospel and have that comfort. I know great things will happen!

Hayley said...

I completly understand the frustration you have for doctors. Keep the faith. I know its hard but that makes the kids more worth it in the end.